5/30/2020
This was supposed to be a weekend where we (hubs, offspring, and myself) went camping. A way to reconnect and decompress and all that bullshit.
Instead, I’m planning on going home tomorrow. By myself. Screw this.
Everything started out ok. And the, as expected, I ruined everything. But I’m tired.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who tries. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the “second best.” I’m the second choice of parent. I’m the second choice for new hires. I’m the second choice for everything. I’ve never once NEVER been good enough for anyone or for anything.
I quit. I’m just not interested in fighting the fight to be anyone’s first choice.
I never ever have been good enough or anyone’s first choice.
And that’s fine. I’ve been living with that knowledge for 50+ years. I will always be the asterisk or the aside.. for my husband; for my child; for everyone and everything.
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Friday, May 29, 2020
5/29/2020 @ 10:45am
We are going camping for the weekend: two RVs, 3 people, 3 dogs.
The offspring texted me and asked me to bring her journal. I wish she would talk to me about some of the things I would like to talk to her about...
- My feeling of apathy about things; like there is nothing that I am truly passionate about.
- The feeling of responsibility towards others; like I am responsible for how other people feel or react.
- The constant anger about things and towards people, that I have had to learn to tamper down to the point that I feel ambivalent towards everything.
- My all-encompassing fear of death.
I hate all of those things about myself. I want to be really good at something, so I'm constantly trying different things. Currently, that's dog sports, which I do truly enjoy. But do I have the drive and the passion to do what I need to be truly successful? Do I have the motivation to train on my own every day without supervision? Well... It's like working out. I should be able to work out at home; to exercise, walk, run. Instead, it's easier for me to go somewhere where someone else tells me what to do. I don't like that aspect of myself, but it is what it is.
I've been offered a job at a local school. I'm ambivalent about taking the job, and I hate that too. I like my school and teaching Algebra1 and Accelerate Algebra 1, and working in GearUp. I really do. I don't like working with TaKeshia. I like her as a person, and I think she's a good teacher. But she rubs me wrong. When I told her that our AP wanted to put a student out of GU and back in 8th grade, she basically accused me of "giving up" on that student; that I wasn't willing to work with the student and make the necessary accommodations for her. Not true. I wanted her to stay in, but it wasn't my choice. Then two weeks later, she tells me that the same student needs to be put out of GU. Like WTH. I fought for the student to stay in. I fought for the student to be successful, and YOU accuse me of not trying. Then YOU tell me the student needs to go?
In addition, she TOLD me that I needed to raise another student's Alg1 score 14 points so she could pass the 1st semester. I did but told her I wouldn't do it 2nd semester. The student did NO work for me 2nd semester, and I failed her. I don't fucking care if she thinks I should have passed the kid. NFW.
The two of us were supposed to be the co-Team Leads for GU. But instead of talking to ME about what was going on, she spoke to DeCambre. Instead of making ME aware of situations with students, she spoke to DeCambre. Next year, DeCambre is TL. Which I'm honestly good with, but she acts as if she runs the team, which she doesn't. And quite frankly, I'm tired of that.
My biggest fear about going to Renfroe is living so close to the school. I'll be running into students and parents all the time. And that worries me about going out. How can I have a drink if I'm worried about seeing a parent or student? What type of technology do they have in the classroom? Do all of the students have access to laptops or Chromebooks? ipads?
I wish I had someone to talk to. I have plenty of "friends," and people I can call. But I don't have someone that I feel like I can be weak in front of. I am always the "strong" one, even with the hubs. I always have a brave face on; I've learned not to show emotion or to be emotional about things; to be stoic at all times. And I hate it.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I have plenty of "friends," and people I can call. But I don't have someone that I feel like I can be weak in front of. I am always the "strong" one, even with the hubs. I always have a brave face on; I've learned not to show emotion or to be emotional about things; to be stoic at all times. And I hate it.
I want to be there for my kid, I want her to feel like she can always turn to me. Instead, she talks to her father. And that hurts. It hurts more than I'd like to admit.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
morning ramblings
2.4.16 6:48
I went to bed feeling fine.
I woke up at 4:30, sad and depressed.
Its now 6:49, and I'm getting ready to take the Squid to a friend's house, where a group of them (parents also) will be going off for spring break.
Last year, we went to Florida - - just the 3 of us.
The year before, we were at Big South and then went to St George.
Even if Steve wasn't available, we did spring break together.
The three of us have always spent spring break together.
Or, to be more exact, I've never had to spend Spring Break by myself. The last few years, Steve has been working from home, so I had the comfort of knowing he was there.
7:55
She's dropped off. She's in capable hands. I will see her again on Thursday.
I WILL BE FINE.
I went to bed feeling fine.
I woke up at 4:30, sad and depressed.
Its now 6:49, and I'm getting ready to take the Squid to a friend's house, where a group of them (parents also) will be going off for spring break.
Last year, we went to Florida - - just the 3 of us.
The year before, we were at Big South and then went to St George.
Even if Steve wasn't available, we did spring break together.
The three of us have always spent spring break together.
Or, to be more exact, I've never had to spend Spring Break by myself. The last few years, Steve has been working from home, so I had the comfort of knowing he was there.
7:55
She's dropped off. She's in capable hands. I will see her again on Thursday.
I WILL BE FINE.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Sad or Selfish?
1.4.16, pt 2
I got my butt yelled at today.
By my trainer.
When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery. The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests. All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.
Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish. She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone. She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.
Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away. We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.
Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody. The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park. I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends. I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.
I'll admit that I'm lost. I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them. I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7. There are days that we only see each other in passing.
I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts. I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.
I got my butt yelled at today.
By my trainer.
When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery. The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests. All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.
Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish. She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone. She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.
Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away. We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.
Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody. The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park. I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends. I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.
I'll admit that I'm lost. I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them. I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7. There are days that we only see each other in passing.
I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts. I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.
Graduation Angst, part 2
1 April 2016
The Squid and I are both out of school today, so we took a trip to the middle school she attended (and where I worked). It was good to see my former co-workers, and to roam the halls again.
But it also drove home the fact that this was the last time that the Squid would more than likely be visiting the school.
So once again, the depression is spiraling out of control. I'm trying so hard not to cry.
KMS wasn't a school that she was zoned for. It was however, the school that I got my first teaching job at. When it came time for her to attend middle school, she decided to go to school where I worked. We laugh now about how there were so few white kids at the school that they weren't even a subgroup on the CRCT. She was in the gifted/accelerated classes, and had the best teachers while she was there. She was part of the news staff, the volleyball team, etc.
No one knew we were coming except for the media specialist, so the Squid got to co-anchor the morning announcements (like she used to), and I said the pledge. Everyone was so happy to see her and was incredibly proud of the smart and beautiful young woman she's become.
Letting go is so hard. Driving home, even she was a little sad. This is the kid that I've gone to see movies with on the day they were released without telling her father; we'd see the same movie with him a few days later. This is the kid I'd go to the mall with, to ULTA or Sephora, to the shops in downtown Decatur, Little Five Points, Target... It wouldn't matter if we split up when we got there, but it was the comfort of knowing that we were there together. We'd spend hours together at Barnes & Noble, just reading and wandering. We'd go see live music together at Lakewood, the Tabernacle, Philips, Georgia Dome, the Masquerade - - anywhere. She worked Dragon*Con with me, and went to Voodoo Fest.
I've been to all of her volleyball tournaments except for one, and she only has one (possibly two) left before her career is over. She's taking her first spring break trip away from me for a whole week; this is time that I'm used to spending with her - - and I'm losing that also.
Who is going to do those things with me in the future?
-------------
I'll admit that part of this is due to the fact that I see my parents aging before my eyes, and knowing that they won't be here much longer. They're in their eighties. My father has pancreatic cancer and my mom barely leaves the house. When they die, I'll be the oldest member of the family.
I don't feel old. I know I'm not in my twenties, but I feel like I'm in my thirties. And watching my parents get old and face death reminds me that my death is coming also.
Dying has always been my greatest fear. I'm not religious, so I can't sit here and say I believe in heaven or hell. I want to believe that something happens to us when we die. That we are reincarnated; that we don't fade to nothingness. I won't be alive to see a future that includes the technology of Star Trek or Star Wars. I know that my end isn't going to happen tomorrow, and that I still have years to go. But I don't want to die. I want to live forever. I don't want to live a life without knowing if Larry Stylinson was real, or without a Harry Styles in it. :-) I don't want my child to live a life that I'm not an integral part of. And that's what has me spiraling into depression.
Some days I'm good. Some days I'm not. Today is not a good day for me.
The Squid and I are both out of school today, so we took a trip to the middle school she attended (and where I worked). It was good to see my former co-workers, and to roam the halls again.
But it also drove home the fact that this was the last time that the Squid would more than likely be visiting the school.
So once again, the depression is spiraling out of control. I'm trying so hard not to cry.
KMS wasn't a school that she was zoned for. It was however, the school that I got my first teaching job at. When it came time for her to attend middle school, she decided to go to school where I worked. We laugh now about how there were so few white kids at the school that they weren't even a subgroup on the CRCT. She was in the gifted/accelerated classes, and had the best teachers while she was there. She was part of the news staff, the volleyball team, etc.
No one knew we were coming except for the media specialist, so the Squid got to co-anchor the morning announcements (like she used to), and I said the pledge. Everyone was so happy to see her and was incredibly proud of the smart and beautiful young woman she's become.
Letting go is so hard. Driving home, even she was a little sad. This is the kid that I've gone to see movies with on the day they were released without telling her father; we'd see the same movie with him a few days later. This is the kid I'd go to the mall with, to ULTA or Sephora, to the shops in downtown Decatur, Little Five Points, Target... It wouldn't matter if we split up when we got there, but it was the comfort of knowing that we were there together. We'd spend hours together at Barnes & Noble, just reading and wandering. We'd go see live music together at Lakewood, the Tabernacle, Philips, Georgia Dome, the Masquerade - - anywhere. She worked Dragon*Con with me, and went to Voodoo Fest.
I've been to all of her volleyball tournaments except for one, and she only has one (possibly two) left before her career is over. She's taking her first spring break trip away from me for a whole week; this is time that I'm used to spending with her - - and I'm losing that also.
Who is going to do those things with me in the future?
-------------
I'll admit that part of this is due to the fact that I see my parents aging before my eyes, and knowing that they won't be here much longer. They're in their eighties. My father has pancreatic cancer and my mom barely leaves the house. When they die, I'll be the oldest member of the family.
I don't feel old. I know I'm not in my twenties, but I feel like I'm in my thirties. And watching my parents get old and face death reminds me that my death is coming also.
Dying has always been my greatest fear. I'm not religious, so I can't sit here and say I believe in heaven or hell. I want to believe that something happens to us when we die. That we are reincarnated; that we don't fade to nothingness. I won't be alive to see a future that includes the technology of Star Trek or Star Wars. I know that my end isn't going to happen tomorrow, and that I still have years to go. But I don't want to die. I want to live forever. I don't want to live a life without knowing if Larry Stylinson was real, or without a Harry Styles in it. :-) I don't want my child to live a life that I'm not an integral part of. And that's what has me spiraling into depression.
Some days I'm good. Some days I'm not. Today is not a good day for me.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Graduation Angst, pt 1
28.3.16
So the offspring, affectionately known as the Squid, will be graduating high school in a few weeks.
I am not taking that news very well.
There's a whole slew of reasons. The Squid, for better or worse, as been my "partner in crime" for the last 17 (almost 18) years. When she was too young to know better, I started taking her to concerts. We've seen Nelly Furtado (her choice), NIN (my choice), Clay Aiken/JC Chasez/Black Eyed Peas (radio station winners), and a slew of other concerts together. When someone is coming to town that I want to see, I know that I can inevitably take her with me. We've traveled to Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore to see One Direction. She wanted to ride horses, so she took lessons. I'm still riding even though she doesn't. We shop for clothes together. We share shoes (well, I share and she wears). She steals my clothes. We share a Spotify account.
And she'll be leaving me. She's going to start college in a few months. When I think about it, it feels like a hole has been carved out of my chest where my heart should be.
So the offspring, affectionately known as the Squid, will be graduating high school in a few weeks.
I am not taking that news very well.
There's a whole slew of reasons. The Squid, for better or worse, as been my "partner in crime" for the last 17 (almost 18) years. When she was too young to know better, I started taking her to concerts. We've seen Nelly Furtado (her choice), NIN (my choice), Clay Aiken/JC Chasez/Black Eyed Peas (radio station winners), and a slew of other concerts together. When someone is coming to town that I want to see, I know that I can inevitably take her with me. We've traveled to Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore to see One Direction. She wanted to ride horses, so she took lessons. I'm still riding even though she doesn't. We shop for clothes together. We share shoes (well, I share and she wears). She steals my clothes. We share a Spotify account.
And she'll be leaving me. She's going to start college in a few months. When I think about it, it feels like a hole has been carved out of my chest where my heart should be.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
My Good but Crappy So-Called Summer
I'm looking through my calendar, and realized that since post-planning ended on May 23rd, the following has happened:
5/24 - invasive eye surgery is scheduled
5/25 - dentist refused to clean my teeth citing periodontal disease (or as I call it, advanced decay of your wallet, so you make up false problems to charge me more out-of-pocket)
6/1 - first interview for new job
6/2 - massage, facial, and Dunwoody Nature Park concert
6/3 - Rock'n'Roll Monster Bash at the drive-in
6/4 - doctorate program begins
6/8 - open gym and Nikki gets hired!
6/11 - second interview for new job
6/14 - final measurements for upcoming invasive eye surgery
6/14 - child back to the dentist who refused to clean my teeth
6/16 - haircut, cookout, shoe decorating
6/18 - the drive to Orlando. It started with my passenger being 30 minutes late, followed by a 90 minute check-in experience. Not the way I wanted to start vacation.
6/19 - beach, then ESPN opening ceremony
6/20 - win 1, lose 2
6/21 - win 1, lose 2
6/22 - win 0, lose 3
6/23 - win 3, taking the yellow championship (G, B, S, R, W, B, Y.... but its better than nothing, but puts us in 42nd place)
6/24 - drive home
6/25 - third interview and I'm hired! Go to pay speeding ticket, get citied for Failure To Appear (even though I was in the hospital), costing me an additional $100, for a total of $200. While paying, my car is booted for parking fines that have been in dispute for 3 years, costing me $200 to get the boot off. Total cost? $400
6/26 - go to get new driver license. After waiting 90 minutes, I am told... oh never mind. I ended up confusing the person at the counter enough that I kept my old license, and got my new one with a change of address. Background check done for new job.
6/27 - New job? Offer rescinded. Because of something that happened 25 years ago, and which was only supposed to be a traffic ticket but which showed up on my background check as a misdemeanor.
I cry. A lot. And fight for my job.
6/28 - go to the DAs office, where the super nice investigator told me "it happened 25 years ago. What do you expect me to do?" Two hours later I get the phone call saying I'm rehired. Go to sign the contract. Then fly to DC.
6/29 - 7/2: DC. Believe it or not, I had a great trip with no drama.
7/3 - See Biden talk. Leave for airport. Arrive at DC National at 1:30 pm for a 2:59pm flight. Board plane. Sit on tarmac for 3 hours. Go back to airport. Get off plane. Reboard plane 15 minutes after arriving at gate. Site on tarmac for 3 hours. Go back to airport. Stay at gate 30 minutes, which would give us plenty of time to eat except the 4:40 flight was canceled so the vendors are backed up. Reboard plane. Sit at gate while 4:40 people are rebooked for our flight, luggage is located and transfered. Finally leave 1 hour later. Diverted to Baltimore due to mechanical failure. Arrive at BWI at 11:30 pm. Have to get new boarding passes. Even though I paid for early boarding, the gate agent doesn't subscribe to silly ideas like that, and boards from the back to the front of the plane. Finally leave BWI at 12:30am, arriving in Atlanta at 2:00am. Home by 3:00 am, a mere 12 hours later.
7/4 - really, who expected me to do something more than actually get out of bed?
7/5 - New pilates class, then go to new job and get codes and stuff I need to access information on-line. Dinner at Buckhead Diner with child.
7/6 - gym
7/7 - not. a. damn. thing.
7/8 - volleyball practice and pick the husband up at the airport.
7/9 - eye surgery, and HS volleyball tournament begins.
Don't worry, I still have a month to go....
5/24 - invasive eye surgery is scheduled
5/25 - dentist refused to clean my teeth citing periodontal disease (or as I call it, advanced decay of your wallet, so you make up false problems to charge me more out-of-pocket)
6/1 - first interview for new job
6/2 - massage, facial, and Dunwoody Nature Park concert
6/3 - Rock'n'Roll Monster Bash at the drive-in
6/4 - doctorate program begins
6/8 - open gym and Nikki gets hired!
6/11 - second interview for new job
6/14 - final measurements for upcoming invasive eye surgery
6/14 - child back to the dentist who refused to clean my teeth
6/16 - haircut, cookout, shoe decorating
6/18 - the drive to Orlando. It started with my passenger being 30 minutes late, followed by a 90 minute check-in experience. Not the way I wanted to start vacation.
6/19 - beach, then ESPN opening ceremony
6/20 - win 1, lose 2
6/21 - win 1, lose 2
6/22 - win 0, lose 3
6/23 - win 3, taking the yellow championship (G, B, S, R, W, B, Y.... but its better than nothing, but puts us in 42nd place)
6/24 - drive home
6/25 - third interview and I'm hired! Go to pay speeding ticket, get citied for Failure To Appear (even though I was in the hospital), costing me an additional $100, for a total of $200. While paying, my car is booted for parking fines that have been in dispute for 3 years, costing me $200 to get the boot off. Total cost? $400
6/26 - go to get new driver license. After waiting 90 minutes, I am told... oh never mind. I ended up confusing the person at the counter enough that I kept my old license, and got my new one with a change of address. Background check done for new job.
6/27 - New job? Offer rescinded. Because of something that happened 25 years ago, and which was only supposed to be a traffic ticket but which showed up on my background check as a misdemeanor.
I cry. A lot. And fight for my job.
6/28 - go to the DAs office, where the super nice investigator told me "it happened 25 years ago. What do you expect me to do?" Two hours later I get the phone call saying I'm rehired. Go to sign the contract. Then fly to DC.
6/29 - 7/2: DC. Believe it or not, I had a great trip with no drama.
7/3 - See Biden talk. Leave for airport. Arrive at DC National at 1:30 pm for a 2:59pm flight. Board plane. Sit on tarmac for 3 hours. Go back to airport. Get off plane. Reboard plane 15 minutes after arriving at gate. Site on tarmac for 3 hours. Go back to airport. Stay at gate 30 minutes, which would give us plenty of time to eat except the 4:40 flight was canceled so the vendors are backed up. Reboard plane. Sit at gate while 4:40 people are rebooked for our flight, luggage is located and transfered. Finally leave 1 hour later. Diverted to Baltimore due to mechanical failure. Arrive at BWI at 11:30 pm. Have to get new boarding passes. Even though I paid for early boarding, the gate agent doesn't subscribe to silly ideas like that, and boards from the back to the front of the plane. Finally leave BWI at 12:30am, arriving in Atlanta at 2:00am. Home by 3:00 am, a mere 12 hours later.
7/4 - really, who expected me to do something more than actually get out of bed?
7/5 - New pilates class, then go to new job and get codes and stuff I need to access information on-line. Dinner at Buckhead Diner with child.
7/6 - gym
7/7 - not. a. damn. thing.
7/8 - volleyball practice and pick the husband up at the airport.
7/9 - eye surgery, and HS volleyball tournament begins.
Don't worry, I still have a month to go....
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