The Episode Where Some Things Stay the Same

Spent the weekend in Birmingham, for the first Atlanta United match in over a year.  The hubs and I drove up on Saturday, had a nice dinner, worked out, and slept.  Game was on Sunday.

Friday night, the hubs and I went out for our weekly dinner with friends.  At 18:41, ML texted me asking if anyone else had purchased tickets.  Since I didn't respond immediately, she decided to text Angel, who contacted me saying that ML was frantic and I wouldn't return her calls.  I pointed out that (1) she had never called or attempted to call me, (2) I was at dinner, and (3) I had responded that I would check as soon as I got home.  ML's response? "When you know just tell Jennifer."

On Saturday night, I found out from Jennifer that I was the Point of Contact (POC) for both Birmingham Legion and Atlanta United.  Not a big deal, but no one told me.  I knew I was the POC for flags, but not the rest.  Of course, when I mentioned that I had not been told I get the following text from ML:

"At some point, you really have to cut this passive aggressive bullshit out and speak to me directly about whatever issue you are having, whatever that may be. This is piss poor working relationship we have and we're barely two months into a two-year term.  I'm over it."

I sent the message from ML to Reggie and Curtis and then spoke to Reggie at length.  He's a good guy, and I got off the phone feeling more at ease than I had in a while.  I don't know what is up with ML; she was honestly a part of our family.  I don't know if she realizes that I am NOT on the travel committee mailing list, or if she told me I was the POC and I just forgot.  

I can't fix whatever she is so angry about.  I don't have an issue with her.  She has an issue with me.  She made it very clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with me.  When she has to email or text me, there is no greeting; it's just short and succinct and very direct and business-like.  Same on the few times that I have had to speak to her.  No "how are you," or even "hello."  Just very abrupt and then she hangs up.

I knew that she had spoken to Reggie; that is exactly what she would do.  He had no idea that we had been as close as we were, that I was her POC for medical reasons, or that she had come over almost every weekend for the last year.  I was the person who nominated her for recognition with Atlanta United.  When I think about it, she's been very despondent and worried about her health and her job, with probable lupus, breast biopsies, and anemia.  All of those things have been hard on her; maybe that is why she is lashing out.  

Either way.  It doesn't matter.  While I'm not going to reach out or make the first move, I still including her on the invites for get-togethers and such.  If she chooses not to come or respond then that is her choice, and I can't do anything about it.  

The Episode Where Some Things End

 21 March 2021

A friendship ended.  Its taken me a few weeks to process this and to find my peace, but I'm finally at that point.

My friend, ML, is several decades younger than me.  I'm actually old enough to be her mother.  But she is a kind person, and always seems to put others before her.  When she goes to the market, she texts her friends and asks if they need anything.  When she lost her job due to the pandemic, she immediately started volunteering her time to help prepare meals and feed those who were less fortunate.  She comes over and has dinner with us or just hangs out.  She's crocheted blankets for me, made Sydney some jewelry.  We made paella for her and celebrated her birthday since she had no one else to celebrate with.  We actually offered to let her move in.  She is part of our quaranteam, and one of the few people that we have spent time with since the pandemic started.  She is the embodiment of all that is good.  

Or so it seemed.

ML also has a dark side, I've discovered.  We've been friends for a few years, and during that time it turns out that she is getting divorced from a marriage no one knew about. And although she lives at home, does not speak to her mother.   

One thing that ML has always been clear about is that you only get one chance with her.  If you have an argument or do something she doesn't like, you have one chance to speak to her about it, and then she will cut you out of her life.

ML and I are both on the board of directors of our soccer club supporters group.  She didn't want to run; I asked her to.  I am the VP, she is in charge of travel.  I was very excited that she was chosen to be on the board. 

Our prior VP was very very controlling and very involved in every little thing that every committee did, including travel.  It caused difficulties in ML's mind, and she did not like the prior VP because of that.  

A few weeks ago, the front office announced the first four games of the season, including an away match that would have limited capacity for fans.  I posted that on our group page because the front office included a survey that people could fill out if they were interested in attending the game.  IN NO WAY did it suggest that (1) tickets would be available, or (2) that our group would be getting any tickets.  This was ALL to gauge interest and had nothing to do with our travel committee.

Except in ML's mind, it did.  She texted me immediately; when I told her I was too busy to talk at the time (it was afternoon bus call and dismissal), she was affronted.  I asked if I could call her; she told me she was getting ready for an event that night and couldn't talk.  OK.

She called me when I got home and said "I want to get this conversation over with," and let me know how what I did was wrong, overstepping my boundaries as VP, and how any information about away matches needed to go through the travel committee.  I apologized; I told her it wouldn't happen again.  She kept going on and on and on about how she didn't want to be on the board but I pushed her into it, and now I was doing the same things the last VP did, etc.  I kept apologizing and told her how bad I felt about disappointing her, she said "I'm not responsible for how you feel," and hung up on me.

I grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, and ML pulled every passive-aggressive trick out of her playbook.  If there was a button that she could press, ML did it.  And I believe that she knew it too.

Then, of course, came the indirect on FB...  "Conflict resolution is tricky for me because if we're at odds I'm willing to have ONE conversation to immediately resolve it and if that doesn't go well I'm ready and willing to never speak to you again and be 1000 percent fine with that.  We all have not-so-great ways of handling things.  I'm aware enough to see that in myself  and be fine with it."

Yeah.... that was for me.  

For the last few weeks, I've been beating myself up about the situation.  No matter that the rest of the quaranteam says that it wasn't me, I blamed myself. 

Today though, I've finally accepted that it isn't me. Its' her. Even though I apologized, she wouldn't accept it. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.  If someone refuses to accept my apology, and refuses to give me a second chance, then that's on them, not me.  

This is ML's problem.  Not mine.  I've allowed it to become my problem; I've allowed it to rule my life and to make me miserable.

Not anymore.