2.4.16 6:48
I went to bed feeling fine.
I woke up at 4:30, sad and depressed.
Its now 6:49, and I'm getting ready to take the Squid to a friend's house, where a group of them (parents also) will be going off for spring break.
Last year, we went to Florida - - just the 3 of us.
The year before, we were at Big South and then went to St George.
Even if Steve wasn't available, we did spring break together.
The three of us have always spent spring break together.
Or, to be more exact, I've never had to spend Spring Break by myself. The last few years, Steve has been working from home, so I had the comfort of knowing he was there.
7:55
She's dropped off. She's in capable hands. I will see her again on Thursday.
I WILL BE FINE.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Sad or Selfish?
1.4.16, pt 2
I got my butt yelled at today.
By my trainer.
When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery. The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests. All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.
Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish. She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone. She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.
Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away. We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.
Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody. The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park. I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends. I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.
I'll admit that I'm lost. I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them. I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7. There are days that we only see each other in passing.
I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts. I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.
I got my butt yelled at today.
By my trainer.
When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery. The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests. All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.
Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish. She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone. She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.
Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away. We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.
Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody. The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park. I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends. I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.
I'll admit that I'm lost. I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them. I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7. There are days that we only see each other in passing.
I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts. I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.
Graduation Angst, part 2
1 April 2016
The Squid and I are both out of school today, so we took a trip to the middle school she attended (and where I worked). It was good to see my former co-workers, and to roam the halls again.
But it also drove home the fact that this was the last time that the Squid would more than likely be visiting the school.
So once again, the depression is spiraling out of control. I'm trying so hard not to cry.
KMS wasn't a school that she was zoned for. It was however, the school that I got my first teaching job at. When it came time for her to attend middle school, she decided to go to school where I worked. We laugh now about how there were so few white kids at the school that they weren't even a subgroup on the CRCT. She was in the gifted/accelerated classes, and had the best teachers while she was there. She was part of the news staff, the volleyball team, etc.
No one knew we were coming except for the media specialist, so the Squid got to co-anchor the morning announcements (like she used to), and I said the pledge. Everyone was so happy to see her and was incredibly proud of the smart and beautiful young woman she's become.
Letting go is so hard. Driving home, even she was a little sad. This is the kid that I've gone to see movies with on the day they were released without telling her father; we'd see the same movie with him a few days later. This is the kid I'd go to the mall with, to ULTA or Sephora, to the shops in downtown Decatur, Little Five Points, Target... It wouldn't matter if we split up when we got there, but it was the comfort of knowing that we were there together. We'd spend hours together at Barnes & Noble, just reading and wandering. We'd go see live music together at Lakewood, the Tabernacle, Philips, Georgia Dome, the Masquerade - - anywhere. She worked Dragon*Con with me, and went to Voodoo Fest.
I've been to all of her volleyball tournaments except for one, and she only has one (possibly two) left before her career is over. She's taking her first spring break trip away from me for a whole week; this is time that I'm used to spending with her - - and I'm losing that also.
Who is going to do those things with me in the future?
-------------
I'll admit that part of this is due to the fact that I see my parents aging before my eyes, and knowing that they won't be here much longer. They're in their eighties. My father has pancreatic cancer and my mom barely leaves the house. When they die, I'll be the oldest member of the family.
I don't feel old. I know I'm not in my twenties, but I feel like I'm in my thirties. And watching my parents get old and face death reminds me that my death is coming also.
Dying has always been my greatest fear. I'm not religious, so I can't sit here and say I believe in heaven or hell. I want to believe that something happens to us when we die. That we are reincarnated; that we don't fade to nothingness. I won't be alive to see a future that includes the technology of Star Trek or Star Wars. I know that my end isn't going to happen tomorrow, and that I still have years to go. But I don't want to die. I want to live forever. I don't want to live a life without knowing if Larry Stylinson was real, or without a Harry Styles in it. :-) I don't want my child to live a life that I'm not an integral part of. And that's what has me spiraling into depression.
Some days I'm good. Some days I'm not. Today is not a good day for me.
The Squid and I are both out of school today, so we took a trip to the middle school she attended (and where I worked). It was good to see my former co-workers, and to roam the halls again.
But it also drove home the fact that this was the last time that the Squid would more than likely be visiting the school.
So once again, the depression is spiraling out of control. I'm trying so hard not to cry.
KMS wasn't a school that she was zoned for. It was however, the school that I got my first teaching job at. When it came time for her to attend middle school, she decided to go to school where I worked. We laugh now about how there were so few white kids at the school that they weren't even a subgroup on the CRCT. She was in the gifted/accelerated classes, and had the best teachers while she was there. She was part of the news staff, the volleyball team, etc.
No one knew we were coming except for the media specialist, so the Squid got to co-anchor the morning announcements (like she used to), and I said the pledge. Everyone was so happy to see her and was incredibly proud of the smart and beautiful young woman she's become.
Letting go is so hard. Driving home, even she was a little sad. This is the kid that I've gone to see movies with on the day they were released without telling her father; we'd see the same movie with him a few days later. This is the kid I'd go to the mall with, to ULTA or Sephora, to the shops in downtown Decatur, Little Five Points, Target... It wouldn't matter if we split up when we got there, but it was the comfort of knowing that we were there together. We'd spend hours together at Barnes & Noble, just reading and wandering. We'd go see live music together at Lakewood, the Tabernacle, Philips, Georgia Dome, the Masquerade - - anywhere. She worked Dragon*Con with me, and went to Voodoo Fest.
I've been to all of her volleyball tournaments except for one, and she only has one (possibly two) left before her career is over. She's taking her first spring break trip away from me for a whole week; this is time that I'm used to spending with her - - and I'm losing that also.
Who is going to do those things with me in the future?
-------------
I'll admit that part of this is due to the fact that I see my parents aging before my eyes, and knowing that they won't be here much longer. They're in their eighties. My father has pancreatic cancer and my mom barely leaves the house. When they die, I'll be the oldest member of the family.
I don't feel old. I know I'm not in my twenties, but I feel like I'm in my thirties. And watching my parents get old and face death reminds me that my death is coming also.
Dying has always been my greatest fear. I'm not religious, so I can't sit here and say I believe in heaven or hell. I want to believe that something happens to us when we die. That we are reincarnated; that we don't fade to nothingness. I won't be alive to see a future that includes the technology of Star Trek or Star Wars. I know that my end isn't going to happen tomorrow, and that I still have years to go. But I don't want to die. I want to live forever. I don't want to live a life without knowing if Larry Stylinson was real, or without a Harry Styles in it. :-) I don't want my child to live a life that I'm not an integral part of. And that's what has me spiraling into depression.
Some days I'm good. Some days I'm not. Today is not a good day for me.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Graduation Angst, pt 1
28.3.16
So the offspring, affectionately known as the Squid, will be graduating high school in a few weeks.
I am not taking that news very well.
There's a whole slew of reasons. The Squid, for better or worse, as been my "partner in crime" for the last 17 (almost 18) years. When she was too young to know better, I started taking her to concerts. We've seen Nelly Furtado (her choice), NIN (my choice), Clay Aiken/JC Chasez/Black Eyed Peas (radio station winners), and a slew of other concerts together. When someone is coming to town that I want to see, I know that I can inevitably take her with me. We've traveled to Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore to see One Direction. She wanted to ride horses, so she took lessons. I'm still riding even though she doesn't. We shop for clothes together. We share shoes (well, I share and she wears). She steals my clothes. We share a Spotify account.
And she'll be leaving me. She's going to start college in a few months. When I think about it, it feels like a hole has been carved out of my chest where my heart should be.
So the offspring, affectionately known as the Squid, will be graduating high school in a few weeks.
I am not taking that news very well.
There's a whole slew of reasons. The Squid, for better or worse, as been my "partner in crime" for the last 17 (almost 18) years. When she was too young to know better, I started taking her to concerts. We've seen Nelly Furtado (her choice), NIN (my choice), Clay Aiken/JC Chasez/Black Eyed Peas (radio station winners), and a slew of other concerts together. When someone is coming to town that I want to see, I know that I can inevitably take her with me. We've traveled to Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore to see One Direction. She wanted to ride horses, so she took lessons. I'm still riding even though she doesn't. We shop for clothes together. We share shoes (well, I share and she wears). She steals my clothes. We share a Spotify account.
And she'll be leaving me. She's going to start college in a few months. When I think about it, it feels like a hole has been carved out of my chest where my heart should be.
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