5/29/2020 @ 10:45am

We are going camping for the weekend: two RVs, 3 people, 3 dogs. 

The offspring texted me and asked me to bring her journal.   I wish she would talk to me about some of the things I would like to talk to her about...

• My feeling of apathy about things; like there is nothing that I am truly passionate about. 
• The feeling of responsibility towards others; like I am responsible for how other people feel or react. 
• The constant anger about things and towards people, that I have had to learn to tamper down to the point that I feel ambivalent towards everything.
• My all-encompassing fear of death.

I hate all of those things about myself.  I want to be really good at something, so I'm constantly trying different things.  Currently, that's dog sports, which I do truly enjoy.  But do I have the drive and the passion to do what I need to be truly successful?  Do I have the motivation to train on my own every day without supervision?  Well...  It's like working out.  I should be able to work out at home; to exercise, walk, run.  Instead, it's easier for me to go somewhere where someone else tells me what to do.  I don't like that aspect of myself, but it is what it is.

I've been offered a job at a local school.  I'm ambivalent about taking the job, and I hate that too.  I like my school and teaching Algebra1 and Accelerate Algebra 1, and working in GearUp.  I really do.  I don't like working with TaKeshia.  I like her as a person, and I think she's a good teacher.  But she rubs me wrong.  When I told her that our AP wanted to put a student out of GU and back in 8th grade, she basically accused me of "giving up" on that student; that I wasn't willing to work with the student and make the necessary accommodations for her.  Not true.  I wanted her to stay in, but it wasn't my choice.  Then two weeks later, she tells me that the same student needs to be put out of GU.  Like WTH.  I fought for the student to stay in.  I fought for the student to be successful, and YOU accuse me of not trying.  Then YOU tell me the student needs to go?

In addition, she TOLD me that I needed to raise another student's Alg1 score 14 points so she could pass the 1st semester.  I did but told her I wouldn't do it 2nd semester.  The student did NO work for me 2nd semester, and I failed her.  I don't fucking care if she thinks I should have passed the kid.  NFW.  

The two of us were supposed to be the co-Team Leads for GU.  But instead of talking to ME about what was going on, she spoke to DeCambre.  Instead of making ME aware of situations with students, she spoke to DeCambre.  Next year, DeCambre is TL.  Which I'm honestly good with, but she acts as if she runs the team, which she doesn't.  And quite frankly, I'm tired of that.  

My biggest fear about going to Renfroe is living so close to the school.  I'll be running into students and parents all the time.  And that worries me about going out.  How can I have a drink if I'm worried about seeing a parent or student?  What type of technology do they have in the classroom?  Do all of the students have access to laptops or Chromebooks?  ipads? 

I wish I had someone to talk to.  I have plenty of "friends," and people I can call.  But I don't have someone that I feel like I can be weak in front of.  I am always the "strong" one, even with the hubs.  I always have a brave face on; I've learned not to show emotion or to be emotional about things; to be stoic at all times.  And I hate it.  

I want to be there for my kid, I want her to feel like she can always turn to me.  Instead, she talks to her father.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I'd like to admit.