What is it About My Personality?

 Sept 26, 2022

What is it about my personality that doesn't win friends or influence people?  Why do I make fast friends with some people but don't with others?  Why do people find me irritating?

Chris had asked me to be the trial chair for Canine Capers while she was still alive.  I was the Trial Chair for both USDAA and AKC.  When she passed, I moved to the Trial Secretary role, and Patty took over as Trial Chair.  I had done a lot of work before Chris passed; I had lined up the ring captains, lined up judges for the next 4 years, created new certificates, was learning how to trial secretary from Chris, etc.

I really enjoyed being the trial secretary.  And I got a LOT of compliments on how things were handled and how smoothly they went.  So many people came up to me both at the trial and before or after to thank me for taking on the trial secretary job and doing a good job of it.  But Patty and I did not get along.  In fact, she emailed me on September 3rd saying the following:

"I genuinely appreciate your hard work making this trial come together.  However, I do not appreciate that you do not respect the Trial Chair position (you don't have to respect me personally).  You have made all of the arrangement for the RVS and I have stepped back and allowed that but I did want to make you aware of the information I received.  If you feel it is not a valid concern, then you make that call and you own it. I will not be contacting Wills Park.  I know we both want this trial to go smoothly but honestly, my experience working with you has really soured my enthusiasm for the trial."

This all stemmed from the fact that I was contacting Wills Park before she was, and we were getting conflicting information.  The RV reservations were coming to me, I was trying to get clear information and what patty told me and what WP told me were two different things. She was also upset that the ring captains - who I had arranged for - were contacting me instead of her with concerns.

When I got the email, I called Jan.  She said she wasn't aware of any problems between the two of us, but that we would sit down after the trial ended to discuss what worked and what didn't. 

Then today, I was told that the club would prefer to pay someone to be the trial secretary, and that my services were no longer needed.  Who made that decision?  

Patty. 

Jan is the president of CC, and Patty is her best friend.  When Chris died, everything fell into Jan's lap.  Jan was the VP, and when she became President, she moved Patty into the VP role.  I'm not mad about that; I work, they're both retired, and they both teach classes at CC.  

I am however, upset because I know that Patty pushed for it because she didn't like working with me, and Jan went along.  She thought I undermined everything she was doing, instead of looking at it from my point of view:  I had established those contacts and people were more comfortable coming to me.  

But now for the real question...

What is it about my personality that people find so irritating?  Why am I even asking that?  I know what it is.  My ADD/OCD makes me take on things that I shouldn't.  Not things that I can't do, but things that make me spread myself thin (thanks OCD).  I also give my opinion and talk when I shouldn't, which makes me seem like a know-it-all (thanks, ADD).   I've lost friends because of this, and I'm honestly surprised that anyone wants to be my friend. 

I'm honestly at that point where I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to ask people for their opinion, and I don't want to ask anyone for help, and I don't want anyone to ask me for anything.  I don't want to volunteer to help anyone, or offer anyone assistance.  Need help?  Find someone else.  

Part of me is petty.  If the management company of where our training facility is located fond out that Chris had died, we would lose our lease on the building.  As tempted as I am to contact them and let them know, thereby losing the lease on the building, where would I train?  Where would I go?  I seem to irritate everyone.  

The Episode Where Some Things Stay the Same

Spent the weekend in Birmingham, for the first Atlanta United match in over a year.  The hubs and I drove up on Saturday, had a nice dinner, worked out, and slept.  Game was on Sunday.

Friday night, the hubs and I went out for our weekly dinner with friends.  At 18:41, ML texted me asking if anyone else had purchased tickets.  Since I didn't respond immediately, she decided to text Angel, who contacted me saying that ML was frantic and I wouldn't return her calls.  I pointed out that (1) she had never called or attempted to call me, (2) I was at dinner, and (3) I had responded that I would check as soon as I got home.  ML's response? "When you know just tell Jennifer."

On Saturday night, I found out from Jennifer that I was the Point of Contact (POC) for both Birmingham Legion and Atlanta United.  Not a big deal, but no one told me.  I knew I was the POC for flags, but not the rest.  Of course, when I mentioned that I had not been told I get the following text from ML:

"At some point, you really have to cut this passive aggressive bullshit out and speak to me directly about whatever issue you are having, whatever that may be. This is piss poor working relationship we have and we're barely two months into a two-year term.  I'm over it."

I sent the message from ML to Reggie and Curtis and then spoke to Reggie at length.  He's a good guy, and I got off the phone feeling more at ease than I had in a while.  I don't know what is up with ML; she was honestly a part of our family.  I don't know if she realizes that I am NOT on the travel committee mailing list, or if she told me I was the POC and I just forgot.  

I can't fix whatever she is so angry about.  I don't have an issue with her.  She has an issue with me.  She made it very clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with me.  When she has to email or text me, there is no greeting; it's just short and succinct and very direct and business-like.  Same on the few times that I have had to speak to her.  No "how are you," or even "hello."  Just very abrupt and then she hangs up.

I knew that she had spoken to Reggie; that is exactly what she would do.  He had no idea that we had been as close as we were, that I was her POC for medical reasons, or that she had come over almost every weekend for the last year.  I was the person who nominated her for recognition with Atlanta United.  When I think about it, she's been very despondent and worried about her health and her job, with probable lupus, breast biopsies, and anemia.  All of those things have been hard on her; maybe that is why she is lashing out.  

Either way.  It doesn't matter.  While I'm not going to reach out or make the first move, I still including her on the invites for get-togethers and such.  If she chooses not to come or respond then that is her choice, and I can't do anything about it.  

The Episode Where Some Things End

 21 March 2021

A friendship ended.  Its taken me a few weeks to process this and to find my peace, but I'm finally at that point.

My friend, ML, is several decades younger than me.  I'm actually old enough to be her mother.  But she is a kind person, and always seems to put others before her.  When she goes to the market, she texts her friends and asks if they need anything.  When she lost her job due to the pandemic, she immediately started volunteering her time to help prepare meals and feed those who were less fortunate.  She comes over and has dinner with us or just hangs out.  She's crocheted blankets for me, made Sydney some jewelry.  We made paella for her and celebrated her birthday since she had no one else to celebrate with.  We actually offered to let her move in.  She is part of our quaranteam, and one of the few people that we have spent time with since the pandemic started.  She is the embodiment of all that is good.  

Or so it seemed.

ML also has a dark side, I've discovered.  We've been friends for a few years, and during that time it turns out that she is getting divorced from a marriage no one knew about. And although she lives at home, does not speak to her mother.   

One thing that ML has always been clear about is that you only get one chance with her.  If you have an argument or do something she doesn't like, you have one chance to speak to her about it, and then she will cut you out of her life.

ML and I are both on the board of directors of our soccer club supporters group.  She didn't want to run; I asked her to.  I am the VP, she is in charge of travel.  I was very excited that she was chosen to be on the board. 

Our prior VP was very very controlling and very involved in every little thing that every committee did, including travel.  It caused difficulties in ML's mind, and she did not like the prior VP because of that.  

A few weeks ago, the front office announced the first four games of the season, including an away match that would have limited capacity for fans.  I posted that on our group page because the front office included a survey that people could fill out if they were interested in attending the game.  IN NO WAY did it suggest that (1) tickets would be available, or (2) that our group would be getting any tickets.  This was ALL to gauge interest and had nothing to do with our travel committee.

Except in ML's mind, it did.  She texted me immediately; when I told her I was too busy to talk at the time (it was afternoon bus call and dismissal), she was affronted.  I asked if I could call her; she told me she was getting ready for an event that night and couldn't talk.  OK.

She called me when I got home and said "I want to get this conversation over with," and let me know how what I did was wrong, overstepping my boundaries as VP, and how any information about away matches needed to go through the travel committee.  I apologized; I told her it wouldn't happen again.  She kept going on and on and on about how she didn't want to be on the board but I pushed her into it, and now I was doing the same things the last VP did, etc.  I kept apologizing and told her how bad I felt about disappointing her, she said "I'm not responsible for how you feel," and hung up on me.

I grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, and ML pulled every passive-aggressive trick out of her playbook.  If there was a button that she could press, ML did it.  And I believe that she knew it too.

Then, of course, came the indirect on FB...  "Conflict resolution is tricky for me because if we're at odds I'm willing to have ONE conversation to immediately resolve it and if that doesn't go well I'm ready and willing to never speak to you again and be 1000 percent fine with that.  We all have not-so-great ways of handling things.  I'm aware enough to see that in myself  and be fine with it."

Yeah.... that was for me.  

For the last few weeks, I've been beating myself up about the situation.  No matter that the rest of the quaranteam says that it wasn't me, I blamed myself. 

Today though, I've finally accepted that it isn't me. Its' her. Even though I apologized, she wouldn't accept it. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.  If someone refuses to accept my apology, and refuses to give me a second chance, then that's on them, not me.  

This is ML's problem.  Not mine.  I've allowed it to become my problem; I've allowed it to rule my life and to make me miserable.

Not anymore.  

5/30/2020


This was supposed to be a weekend where we (hubs, offspring, and myself) went camping.  A way to reconnect and decompress and all that bullshit.

Instead, I’m planning on going home tomorrow.  By myself.  Screw this.

Everything started out ok.  And the, as expected, I ruined everything.  But I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who tries. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the “second best.”  I’m the second choice of parent. I’m the second choice for new hires.  I’m the second choice for everything.  I’ve never once  NEVER been good enough for anyone or for anything.

I quit.  I’m just not interested in fighting the fight to be anyone’s first choice.

I never ever have been good enough or anyone’s first choice.

And that’s fine. I’ve been living with that knowledge for 50+ years.  I will always be the asterisk or the aside.. for my husband; for my child; for everyone and everything.

5/29/2020 @ 10:45am

We are going camping for the weekend: two RVs, 3 people, 3 dogs. 

The offspring texted me and asked me to bring her journal.   I wish she would talk to me about some of the things I would like to talk to her about...

• My feeling of apathy about things; like there is nothing that I am truly passionate about. 
• The feeling of responsibility towards others; like I am responsible for how other people feel or react. 
• The constant anger about things and towards people, that I have had to learn to tamper down to the point that I feel ambivalent towards everything.
• My all-encompassing fear of death.

I hate all of those things about myself.  I want to be really good at something, so I'm constantly trying different things.  Currently, that's dog sports, which I do truly enjoy.  But do I have the drive and the passion to do what I need to be truly successful?  Do I have the motivation to train on my own every day without supervision?  Well...  It's like working out.  I should be able to work out at home; to exercise, walk, run.  Instead, it's easier for me to go somewhere where someone else tells me what to do.  I don't like that aspect of myself, but it is what it is.

I've been offered a job at a local school.  I'm ambivalent about taking the job, and I hate that too.  I like my school and teaching Algebra1 and Accelerate Algebra 1, and working in GearUp.  I really do.  I don't like working with TaKeshia.  I like her as a person, and I think she's a good teacher.  But she rubs me wrong.  When I told her that our AP wanted to put a student out of GU and back in 8th grade, she basically accused me of "giving up" on that student; that I wasn't willing to work with the student and make the necessary accommodations for her.  Not true.  I wanted her to stay in, but it wasn't my choice.  Then two weeks later, she tells me that the same student needs to be put out of GU.  Like WTH.  I fought for the student to stay in.  I fought for the student to be successful, and YOU accuse me of not trying.  Then YOU tell me the student needs to go?

In addition, she TOLD me that I needed to raise another student's Alg1 score 14 points so she could pass the 1st semester.  I did but told her I wouldn't do it 2nd semester.  The student did NO work for me 2nd semester, and I failed her.  I don't fucking care if she thinks I should have passed the kid.  NFW.  

The two of us were supposed to be the co-Team Leads for GU.  But instead of talking to ME about what was going on, she spoke to DeCambre.  Instead of making ME aware of situations with students, she spoke to DeCambre.  Next year, DeCambre is TL.  Which I'm honestly good with, but she acts as if she runs the team, which she doesn't.  And quite frankly, I'm tired of that.  

My biggest fear about going to Renfroe is living so close to the school.  I'll be running into students and parents all the time.  And that worries me about going out.  How can I have a drink if I'm worried about seeing a parent or student?  What type of technology do they have in the classroom?  Do all of the students have access to laptops or Chromebooks?  ipads? 

I wish I had someone to talk to.  I have plenty of "friends," and people I can call.  But I don't have someone that I feel like I can be weak in front of.  I am always the "strong" one, even with the hubs.  I always have a brave face on; I've learned not to show emotion or to be emotional about things; to be stoic at all times.  And I hate it.  

I want to be there for my kid, I want her to feel like she can always turn to me.  Instead, she talks to her father.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I'd like to admit.  

morning ramblings

2.4.16   6:48

I went to bed feeling fine.

I woke up at 4:30, sad and depressed.

Its now 6:49, and I'm getting ready to take the Squid to a friend's house, where a group of them (parents also) will be going off for spring break.

Last year, we went to Florida - - just the 3 of us.

The year before, we were at Big South and then went to St George.

Even if Steve wasn't available, we did spring break together.

The three of us have always spent spring break together.

Or, to be more exact, I've never had to spend Spring Break by myself.   The last few years, Steve has been working from home, so I had the comfort of knowing he was there.


7:55

She's dropped off.  She's in capable hands.  I will see her again on Thursday.

I WILL BE FINE.

Sad or Selfish?

1.4.16, pt 2

I got my butt yelled at today.

By my trainer.

When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery.  The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests.  All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.

Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish.  She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone.  She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.

Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away.  We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.

Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody.  The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park.  I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends.  I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.

I'll admit that I'm lost.  I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them.  I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7.  There are days that we only see each other in passing.

I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts.  I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.