The Episode Where Some Things Stay the Same

Spent the weekend in Birmingham, for the first Atlanta United match in over a year.  The hubs and I drove up on Saturday, had a nice dinner, worked out, and slept.  Game was on Sunday.

Friday night, the hubs and I went out for our weekly dinner with friends.  At 18:41, ML texted me asking if anyone else had purchased tickets.  Since I didn't respond immediately, she decided to text Angel, who contacted me saying that ML was frantic and I wouldn't return her calls.  I pointed out that (1) she had never called or attempted to call me, (2) I was at dinner, and (3) I had responded that I would check as soon as I got home.  ML's response? "When you know just tell Jennifer."

On Saturday night, I found out from Jennifer that I was the Point of Contact (POC) for both Birmingham Legion and Atlanta United.  Not a big deal, but no one told me.  I knew I was the POC for flags, but not the rest.  Of course, when I mentioned that I had not been told I get the following text from ML:

"At some point, you really have to cut this passive aggressive bullshit out and speak to me directly about whatever issue you are having, whatever that may be. This is piss poor working relationship we have and we're barely two months into a two-year term.  I'm over it."

I sent the message from ML to Reggie and Curtis and then spoke to Reggie at length.  He's a good guy, and I got off the phone feeling more at ease than I had in a while.  I don't know what is up with ML; she was honestly a part of our family.  I don't know if she realizes that I am NOT on the travel committee mailing list, or if she told me I was the POC and I just forgot.  

I can't fix whatever she is so angry about.  I don't have an issue with her.  She has an issue with me.  She made it very clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with me.  When she has to email or text me, there is no greeting; it's just short and succinct and very direct and business-like.  Same on the few times that I have had to speak to her.  No "how are you," or even "hello."  Just very abrupt and then she hangs up.

I knew that she had spoken to Reggie; that is exactly what she would do.  He had no idea that we had been as close as we were, that I was her POC for medical reasons, or that she had come over almost every weekend for the last year.  I was the person who nominated her for recognition with Atlanta United.  When I think about it, she's been very despondent and worried about her health and her job, with probable lupus, breast biopsies, and anemia.  All of those things have been hard on her; maybe that is why she is lashing out.  

Either way.  It doesn't matter.  While I'm not going to reach out or make the first move, I still including her on the invites for get-togethers and such.  If she chooses not to come or respond then that is her choice, and I can't do anything about it.  

The Episode Where Some Things End

 21 March 2021

A friendship ended.  Its taken me a few weeks to process this and to find my peace, but I'm finally at that point.

My friend, ML, is several decades younger than me.  I'm actually old enough to be her mother.  But she is a kind person, and always seems to put others before her.  When she goes to the market, she texts her friends and asks if they need anything.  When she lost her job due to the pandemic, she immediately started volunteering her time to help prepare meals and feed those who were less fortunate.  She comes over and has dinner with us or just hangs out.  She's crocheted blankets for me, made Sydney some jewelry.  We made paella for her and celebrated her birthday since she had no one else to celebrate with.  We actually offered to let her move in.  She is part of our quaranteam, and one of the few people that we have spent time with since the pandemic started.  She is the embodiment of all that is good.  

Or so it seemed.

ML also has a dark side, I've discovered.  We've been friends for a few years, and during that time it turns out that she is getting divorced from a marriage no one knew about. And although she lives at home, does not speak to her mother.   

One thing that ML has always been clear about is that you only get one chance with her.  If you have an argument or do something she doesn't like, you have one chance to speak to her about it, and then she will cut you out of her life.

ML and I are both on the board of directors of our soccer club supporters group.  She didn't want to run; I asked her to.  I am the VP, she is in charge of travel.  I was very excited that she was chosen to be on the board. 

Our prior VP was very very controlling and very involved in every little thing that every committee did, including travel.  It caused difficulties in ML's mind, and she did not like the prior VP because of that.  

A few weeks ago, the front office announced the first four games of the season, including an away match that would have limited capacity for fans.  I posted that on our group page because the front office included a survey that people could fill out if they were interested in attending the game.  IN NO WAY did it suggest that (1) tickets would be available, or (2) that our group would be getting any tickets.  This was ALL to gauge interest and had nothing to do with our travel committee.

Except in ML's mind, it did.  She texted me immediately; when I told her I was too busy to talk at the time (it was afternoon bus call and dismissal), she was affronted.  I asked if I could call her; she told me she was getting ready for an event that night and couldn't talk.  OK.

She called me when I got home and said "I want to get this conversation over with," and let me know how what I did was wrong, overstepping my boundaries as VP, and how any information about away matches needed to go through the travel committee.  I apologized; I told her it wouldn't happen again.  She kept going on and on and on about how she didn't want to be on the board but I pushed her into it, and now I was doing the same things the last VP did, etc.  I kept apologizing and told her how bad I felt about disappointing her, she said "I'm not responsible for how you feel," and hung up on me.

I grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, and ML pulled every passive-aggressive trick out of her playbook.  If there was a button that she could press, ML did it.  And I believe that she knew it too.

Then, of course, came the indirect on FB...  "Conflict resolution is tricky for me because if we're at odds I'm willing to have ONE conversation to immediately resolve it and if that doesn't go well I'm ready and willing to never speak to you again and be 1000 percent fine with that.  We all have not-so-great ways of handling things.  I'm aware enough to see that in myself  and be fine with it."

Yeah.... that was for me.  

For the last few weeks, I've been beating myself up about the situation.  No matter that the rest of the quaranteam says that it wasn't me, I blamed myself. 

Today though, I've finally accepted that it isn't me. Its' her. Even though I apologized, she wouldn't accept it. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.  If someone refuses to accept my apology, and refuses to give me a second chance, then that's on them, not me.  

This is ML's problem.  Not mine.  I've allowed it to become my problem; I've allowed it to rule my life and to make me miserable.

Not anymore.  

5/30/2020


This was supposed to be a weekend where we (hubs, offspring, and myself) went camping.  A way to reconnect and decompress and all that bullshit.

Instead, I’m planning on going home tomorrow.  By myself.  Screw this.

Everything started out ok.  And the, as expected, I ruined everything.  But I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who tries. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the “second best.”  I’m the second choice of parent. I’m the second choice for new hires.  I’m the second choice for everything.  I’ve never once  NEVER been good enough for anyone or for anything.

I quit.  I’m just not interested in fighting the fight to be anyone’s first choice.

I never ever have been good enough or anyone’s first choice.

And that’s fine. I’ve been living with that knowledge for 50+ years.  I will always be the asterisk or the aside.. for my husband; for my child; for everyone and everything.

5/29/2020 @ 10:45am

We are going camping for the weekend: two RVs, 3 people, 3 dogs. 

The offspring texted me and asked me to bring her journal.   I wish she would talk to me about some of the things I would like to talk to her about...

• My feeling of apathy about things; like there is nothing that I am truly passionate about. 
• The feeling of responsibility towards others; like I am responsible for how other people feel or react. 
• The constant anger about things and towards people, that I have had to learn to tamper down to the point that I feel ambivalent towards everything.
• My all-encompassing fear of death.

I hate all of those things about myself.  I want to be really good at something, so I'm constantly trying different things.  Currently, that's dog sports, which I do truly enjoy.  But do I have the drive and the passion to do what I need to be truly successful?  Do I have the motivation to train on my own every day without supervision?  Well...  It's like working out.  I should be able to work out at home; to exercise, walk, run.  Instead, it's easier for me to go somewhere where someone else tells me what to do.  I don't like that aspect of myself, but it is what it is.

I've been offered a job at a local school.  I'm ambivalent about taking the job, and I hate that too.  I like my school and teaching Algebra1 and Accelerate Algebra 1, and working in GearUp.  I really do.  I don't like working with TaKeshia.  I like her as a person, and I think she's a good teacher.  But she rubs me wrong.  When I told her that our AP wanted to put a student out of GU and back in 8th grade, she basically accused me of "giving up" on that student; that I wasn't willing to work with the student and make the necessary accommodations for her.  Not true.  I wanted her to stay in, but it wasn't my choice.  Then two weeks later, she tells me that the same student needs to be put out of GU.  Like WTH.  I fought for the student to stay in.  I fought for the student to be successful, and YOU accuse me of not trying.  Then YOU tell me the student needs to go?

In addition, she TOLD me that I needed to raise another student's Alg1 score 14 points so she could pass the 1st semester.  I did but told her I wouldn't do it 2nd semester.  The student did NO work for me 2nd semester, and I failed her.  I don't fucking care if she thinks I should have passed the kid.  NFW.  

The two of us were supposed to be the co-Team Leads for GU.  But instead of talking to ME about what was going on, she spoke to DeCambre.  Instead of making ME aware of situations with students, she spoke to DeCambre.  Next year, DeCambre is TL.  Which I'm honestly good with, but she acts as if she runs the team, which she doesn't.  And quite frankly, I'm tired of that.  

My biggest fear about going to Renfroe is living so close to the school.  I'll be running into students and parents all the time.  And that worries me about going out.  How can I have a drink if I'm worried about seeing a parent or student?  What type of technology do they have in the classroom?  Do all of the students have access to laptops or Chromebooks?  ipads? 

I wish I had someone to talk to.  I have plenty of "friends," and people I can call.  But I don't have someone that I feel like I can be weak in front of.  I am always the "strong" one, even with the hubs.  I always have a brave face on; I've learned not to show emotion or to be emotional about things; to be stoic at all times.  And I hate it.  

I want to be there for my kid, I want her to feel like she can always turn to me.  Instead, she talks to her father.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I'd like to admit.  

morning ramblings

2.4.16   6:48

I went to bed feeling fine.

I woke up at 4:30, sad and depressed.

Its now 6:49, and I'm getting ready to take the Squid to a friend's house, where a group of them (parents also) will be going off for spring break.

Last year, we went to Florida - - just the 3 of us.

The year before, we were at Big South and then went to St George.

Even if Steve wasn't available, we did spring break together.

The three of us have always spent spring break together.

Or, to be more exact, I've never had to spend Spring Break by myself.   The last few years, Steve has been working from home, so I had the comfort of knowing he was there.


7:55

She's dropped off.  She's in capable hands.  I will see her again on Thursday.

I WILL BE FINE.

Sad or Selfish?

1.4.16, pt 2

I got my butt yelled at today.

By my trainer.

When I got out to the barn, I was still wallowing in self misery.  The hubs says I will be the worst empty-nester in the history of empty nests.  All I could think about was how the Squid will be leaving me behind, and how I'm losing my best friend/partner in crime.

Nicky yelled at me, and told me to stop being selfish.  She said that I wasn't worried about the Squid and how she was going to do at college, but worried about myself, and how I was going to deal with her being gone.  She said that I needed to stop making her graduation all about me, and start accepting the fact that she was going to go off to school and not be around all the time.

Hattie said that the Squid and I will still do things together, and that she's not going to be far away.  We may not get to do things as often as we do now, but we will do them.

Since the Squid was born, we've lived in Ormewood Park, Douglasville, Grant Park/Eastlake, and now Dunwoody.  The only time that I've really had friends to do things with was when I lived in Grant Park.  I don't have friends out here in Dunwoody; I have acquaintances from high school volleyball, but no real friends.  I have friends that I've made from club volleyball, but their girls are graduating also.

I'll admit that I'm lost.  I don't know how to be a person who isn't a mother full time, and who doesn't have their child with them.  I'm not talking about having to keep the Squid with me 24/7.  There are days that we only see each other in passing.

I'm going to be lost when I have to face the idea that she is 8 hours away, and isn't going to be available for trips to the store or concerts.  I'm jealous of the fact that she's going to go out and make friends that I don't and won't know about, and that she is going to experience new things with them and not me.

Graduation Angst, part 2

1 April 2016

The Squid and I are both out of school today, so we took a trip to the middle school she attended (and where I worked).  It was good to see my former co-workers, and to roam the halls again.

But it also drove home the fact that this was the last time that the Squid would more than likely be visiting the school.

So once again, the depression is spiraling out of control.  I'm trying so hard not to cry.

KMS wasn't a school that she was zoned for.  It was however, the school that I got my first teaching job at.  When it came time for her to attend middle school, she decided to go to school where I worked.  We laugh now about how there were so few white kids at the school that they weren't even a subgroup on the CRCT.  She was in the gifted/accelerated classes, and had the best teachers while she was there.  She was part of the news staff, the volleyball team, etc.

No one knew we were coming except for the media specialist, so the Squid got to co-anchor the morning announcements (like she used to), and I said the pledge.  Everyone was so happy to see her and was incredibly proud of the smart and beautiful young woman she's become.

Letting go is so hard.  Driving home, even she was a little sad.  This is the kid that I've gone to see movies with on the day they were released without telling her father; we'd see the same movie with him a few days later.  This is the kid I'd go to the mall with, to ULTA or Sephora, to the shops in downtown Decatur, Little Five Points, Target... It wouldn't matter if we split up when we got there, but it was the comfort of knowing that we were there together.  We'd spend hours together at Barnes & Noble, just reading and wandering.  We'd go see live music together at Lakewood, the Tabernacle, Philips, Georgia Dome, the Masquerade - - anywhere.  She worked Dragon*Con with me, and went to Voodoo Fest.

I've been to all of her volleyball tournaments except for one, and she only has one (possibly two) left before her career is over.  She's taking her first spring break trip away from me for a whole week; this is time that I'm used to spending with her - - and I'm losing that also.

Who is going to do those things with me in the future?


-------------

I'll admit that part of this is due to the fact that I see my parents aging before my eyes, and knowing that they won't be here much longer.  They're in their eighties.  My father has pancreatic cancer and my mom barely leaves the house.  When they die, I'll be the oldest member of the family.

I don't feel old.  I know I'm not in my twenties, but I feel like I'm in my thirties.  And watching my parents get old and face death reminds me that my death is coming also.

Dying has always been my greatest fear.  I'm not religious, so I can't sit here and say I believe in heaven or hell.  I want to believe that something happens to us when we die.  That we are reincarnated; that we don't fade to nothingness.  I won't be alive to see a future that includes the technology of Star Trek or Star Wars.  I know that my end isn't going to happen tomorrow, and that I still have years to go.  But I don't want to die.  I want to live forever.  I don't want to live a life without knowing if Larry Stylinson was real, or without a Harry Styles in it. :-)  I don't want my child to live a life that I'm not an integral part of.  And that's what has me spiraling into depression.

Some days I'm good.  Some days I'm not.  Today is not a good day for me.